Cosmic Comedy from The Cosmic Curator of Chaos 2025 New Years horoscopes

 Your cosmic comedy for December 25th 2024 through January 2 2025

Pisces- Throw out all those arts and crafts supplies and just move on already.You know damn well you spend way more time buying supplies than you do using them and fact is your just not going to use or be able to sell anything you make, if you actually get past the thinking phase. Maybe spend that money you don't have on books because it's going to be a long winter and you can't drink everyday.

  Aquarius-WOW! are you ever loud and opinionated, granted
you do happen to be right most of the time but do you have to beat a dead horse telling everyone? We know already, no need to humiliate us all and besides watching your giant head swell up bigger than it already is makes us start laughing -at you not with you so reign in it in smart ass, that way your date will like when they're sober and not just drunk.

 

  Capricorn-You have spent the whole year over achieving and you went out and celebrated, boy did you celebrate! There's a 2 bagger laying in your bed that you don't know smiling at you with all 6 teethe, your head feels like it is ready to bust open, your eyes are itching and your mouth is dry, also if this person breathes in your general direction one more time you think you will hurl right in your own bed. Suck it up and get them out of there fast at all costs.Get something greasy to eat and some chocolate milk. Go back to bed and stay there for at least 2 days. Actually before any of that take a long hot shower and wash whatever that was in your bed off of you and start erasing whatever happened from you mind.  

Sagittarius-alright suzy sunshine stop dancing around like Tinker Bell and at least try and act your age. We know it's a given you won't ever take responsibility for yourself but please for the rest of us tone down your childlike outlook on everything, some of us have jobs to do. Also shave your legs or at least your pits Woodstock is over.

 Scorpio-Soooo you made an utter ass of yourself over the holidays and now you're mad and blaming everyone else? Well speaking for everyone else it won't work we all know what you did we know your not sorry and we didn't much like you before all that. Do you hear a collective haha? Good. Now go to your room and think about what you have done and write 1000 "I will not be a douche bag"

Leo-All those traffic cones you've been stealing all summer have come in handy, it was a brilliant idea on your part to make your own little detour through that private property and directly to a swamp. Next time though you might want to think twice before writing "property of your name" on each one. Sorry about the rabies shots you have to go through from that skunk you tangled with. Really your cat is a grey tabby not black and white, what were you thinking!?

 

 Virgo- Try starting the new year by throwing away the cheeto stained t-shirt you wear to bed every night and get your self some real pajamas or atleast a new t-shirt. I know I know it's been a rough year but things will get back to normal soon. or maybe a new normal anyway. Buck up some things never change, your feet still stink. Happy now?

Libra- Okay you need a change so go out and buy a whole new wardrobe, but totally change your style. That Ben Stein/Muppet thing you got going on isn't working for you any more.

Cancer-you Cancer have updated your style recently but you went into the way back machine and look like a wannabe hippy and you are nothing near that frumpy butt just try and tone the tye dye down  and get out of the 70s pants. Also it is not your job to finish every half empty drink on the bar because you think it's alcohol abuse. It may be but it is also gross.

 Gemini- Time to quit snooping and blabbing everything you find. Seriously you stir the shit pot more than any of the signs and it's about ready to bite you in your own ass. Maybe take up pottery making keep yourself busy so your big nose stays out of everyone else's business. Also don't cut or color your hair anytime soon because with all the shit stirring you been doing any little flaw is fair game and there's a line of people waiting to take you down a notch or ten. Oh and another thing, don't make your famous hot dish anymore, no one likes it-it's not famous and ramen noodles with peas does not equal anything anyone at a party wants to eat.

  Taurus-you are so stubborn you even argue with yourself and refuse to make a move because you're so busy overthinking and then don't want to take even your own suggestions. Quit screwing yourself over and just make decision, you can always change your mind. Or and you????

Aries- lucky you!! You are sloppy lazy and smoke pot all day long while eating oreos from under the couch. Don't change a thing because if people don't like it you don't care anyway.