Well we are getting to the end of another long and hideous January and Valentine's Day is on your mind - or not. Here are a few tips for you take em or leave em from a self proclaimed spinster.
Does not matter how long you have been with someone even if it is only a week before V-Day Do not automatically assume you need to get a Valentines gift for them. That's right, you heard me, one week or two years you are screwed no matter what you do so playing it safe and getting nothing is the way to go. Trust me on this you go and get flowers or candy or God forbid jewelry you have just fucked yourself and not in the good way. Allow me to explain, if you get nothing you disappoint that is the best case scenario, worst case scenario is a life long sentence to unearned scorn, hatred, and don't forget retaliation. That's right, you didn't earn and don't deserve any of that but suck it up sweet drawers because that is the easy part. Still want to get a gift for the being that is your magical ONE of the moment? Okay, here you go. Men are expected to forget or ignore Valentines day married, single, dating, kindergarten loves, it is expected and women you're setting yourself up for crushing heartache and a life long disappointment in men. It does not matter if you are sure your love interest is the one or you just met when Valentines day approaches play dumb be busy stay home and wash the toilet just stay out out of the gift giving arena. Unless you are a pro and by pro I mean a soulless evil succubus or incubus. Yes I just called you a sleep demon if you consider yourself a pro.
Before I get into the only semi safe Valentine's day gifts just know that even these are at your own peril. If you must though, stick with cheap chalky candy hearts and give out the whole box to each kid in the class or that one special person. Tastes like liquified and rehardened chalk dust and giving the whole box eliminates any confusion on the receivers part. Oh don't get too happy those cute little kindergartners will still hunt you down and wreck your life but it is a sort of a loophole you can use that they may forget by the time they are in their 30's, if you're lucky. Same with the cards the little kids cards that come in a box hopefully all the same, no showing any favoritism. All kittens for everyone don't be giving a special puppy one out or you are still screwed.
By giving nothing you are a jerk,thoughtless, uncaring and a lot of other things but those will go away within a week or two and you can always make up for it somewhere down the line, whereas a gift in that devious little toddlers mind or your adult love actually "says something" and it is never what you intended. Never. Nope Never. Now let me show you by horoscope what could happen if you go the gift giving route against my advice.
Pisces- Get them flowers-well unless you are their mother screw you! Oh they will smile and thank you but, yea ,No. you will always be labeled as unimaginative and uncaring, tears will follow but not until your next fight which trust me is right around the corner. You fucking dick you know I'm allergic! (she's not but it does not matter)
Aquarius- Give them any candy what-so-ever and your ass is grass! You know they are on a fucking diet what were you thinking!!?? And shut ya bitch mouth when she starts eating them. seriously.
Capricorn- a nice well thought out card with a personal message hand written. Well that is just great you cheap ass bastardo!
Sagittarius- Jewelry ok idiot you're locked in now if it's not an engagement ring and if it is it's not what I wanted and further more it does not matter if we are only in 3rd grade you take this dirty old pop tab ring back and get me a one of the ones that doubles as a sucker. Jerk face!!
Scorpio- Dinner out. Oh sooo so many things here Taco Thomas , try getting that hot sauce out ya eyes bub!
Leo- a nice walk leading to a pre planned picnic all set up. Very nice except it's winter way to go Einstein.
Virgo- Anything you get is wonderful except she will never forget that it is not what she told you to get and will bring it up every week for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Yes even after the divorce.
Libra- You sing her favorite song to her perfectly in front of every one who claps and cheers. Nice try you attention grabbing jerk I know that wasn't for me it was for that blonde skank waitress wasn't it!? Well answer me.
Cancer- Cook ware she has been wanting. Oh you are a special kind of stupid aren't you.
Gemini- A $500 gift card well that would be great if it wasn't to the Dollar Tree. Jeeeez!
Taurus-Something big and expensive that you both want like a brand new car. Thanks for the electric car you dumb shit have you not noticed we live in the boonies 200 miles from a charging station.
Aries- a Snickers bar super sized as you get home late. Nice after thought bozo. And no I'm not sharing. You have a slim chance in hell with this one but very slim, do better next time
