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February 1rst is here and you are running out of time to to get that perfect gift or gesture or come up with the perfect lie whichever one floats your boat and makes you - you. Love is blooming in hearts and minds everywhere causing your mind and body extreme happiness or crushing anxiety. "Please don't stand within projectile vomit range" as Kermit from Mr. Mercedes might say.
Pisces-This is your least favorite holiday even on a good year so stock up on cigarettes and vodka and just go with the flow because this too will pass.
Aquarius-Try as you might being the overachiever that you are, you are just not gonna WOW on February 14th and that is okay you bring zing to the other 364 days of the year.
Capricorn- Get a goat and a little goat outfit for it. Make sure said goat is just finishing up a pretty piece of pink paper as you walk to the door of your love. This will show great effort on your part and earn you pity points for the loss of the epic poem you wrote.
Sagittarius- You, LoverFace, cannot lose.
Scorpio-Make sure your mouth is full at all times this week so whatever you say cannot be understood or used against you.
Leo-The week ahead for you is a mystery even to me. It is unknown with a chance of disaster on a small scale. Meaning the worst that can happen is a giant zit on the end of your nose.
Virgo- Your sultry persona cannot be resisted by anyone of the opposite sex. Stay home unless you have to go out lest everyone you meet falls instantly in lust with you.
Libra-You will feel extra giddy this week for no apparent reason which will draw the opposite sex to you, so be careful where you go and who you talk to. You are a silly little hedgehog everyone wants to try and cuddle with. This cannot end well for others.
Cancer-You will be at a loss of words of any use this week which is unusual for you but your tongue is tied and it is best to observe rather than wow with words right now.
Gemini-Don't use the stove this week try, and stay with the microwave. Not because there is any danger but because your cooking skills are sorely lacking. As a matter of fact microwave everything from now on or better yet order out.
Taurus-Laugh off any mistakes you may make this week. Laugh at yourself, we are all laughing with you, Or at you, hard to tell but what we think doesn't matter. Remember that in the future.
Aries-Slow your groove hippy, you're putting off to much high powered yet scattered energy. Look lost it's a good look for you and meets others expectations.